The Partner You Want to Be: Shifting Focus from Finding to Becoming
The most revolutionary thing you can do in dating is to stop asking "Are they right for me?" and start asking "Am I being or becoming the partner I want to be?" This shift in focus changes everything—not just how you show up in relationships, but the quality of connection you attract and create.
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Your Feelings Are Your Guide
When you're with someone—whether it's a first date or a long-term relationship—your body and emotions are constantly giving you information. But most of us have learned to override these signals in favor of what we think we "should" feel or what we “should” be looking for.
Center yourself and take a deep breath. When you think about a person you’re dating, what are you feeling? When you're actually with them, do you feel lit up? Alive? Free? Or do you feel shut down, stressed out, unheard, or nothing? Do you find yourself editing who you are to make them like you? Do the parts of yourself that you want to be awake and alive organically come to the surface?
Your feelings—when you're tapped into your most centered, solid self—are always going to be your best guide. Trust what your gut is telling you.
The Questions That Matter
Instead of focusing solely on whether someone meets your criteria, start paying attention to the dynamic between you:
Are they curious about your perspective? Do they show a genuine desire to learn more about you, or are conversations mostly about them? When you share something important, do they ask follow-up questions or change the subject?
Do you feel able to take some emotional risks? Years ago when I was dating, I went out a few times with a man who checked all the boxes: he was financially stable, handsome, very highly educated and well-traveled. But I was so intimidated, I could barely speak let alone be fully honest about who I was. He wasn’t trying to shut me down; he was an amazing person. But I was so insecure about who I was, and wasn’t willing to risk letting myself be known.
How do they handle differences? When you have different opinions, are they attuned and respectful? Dismissive or insulting? Do they collaborate with you to work through disagreements, or do they sweep conflicts under the rug? This tells you about how they'll handle the inevitable challenges that arise in every relationship.
Are they open to learning from you? And equally important—do you enjoy learning from them? Healthy relationships involve mutual growth and influence.
Are you curious about them? Sometimes it takes time to develop a bond or sexual connection. But at the very least, are you curious? If not, if you’re trying to make yourself like this person because they check all the boxes, consider letting them go. You both deserve to be with partners who are curious about who you are, not how you look on paper.
Becoming the Partner You Want to Be
Here's where the real work happens. Instead of creating a mental checklist of what you want in a partner, get clear on who you want to be:
Do you want to be vulnerable? Vulnerability is the courage to show up honestly, even when it feels risky. It means being willing to share your real thoughts and feelings rather than performing a version of yourself you think is more acceptable.
Do you want to be supportive? This means being genuinely present for your partner's wins and struggles, not just when it's convenient for you.
photo credit: @felirbe via unsplash
Can you respect your partner's opinions even when they differ from yours? This doesn't mean agreeing with everything, but approaching differences with curiosity rather than judgment.
Are you willing to be honest? Real honesty—not just avoiding outright lies, but being genuine about your feelings, desires, and experiences. If they did something that bothered you, can you address it directly rather than building resentment?
Can you be yourself fully? Not a quieted, diminished version of yourself, but your actual self—career-driven and sensitive, serious and playful, strong and tender.
What You're Actually Creating Together
The most important question isn't "Is this the right person?" but "What kind of relationship are we creating together?"
Maybe you're creating a relationship built on companionship and shared activities. Maybe you're creating something centered on deep emotional intimacy and personal growth. Maybe you're creating a partnership with equal responsibility and authority, where you genuinely prioritize each other while maintaining your independence.
Pay attention to what's actually emerging between you, not just what you hoped would emerge. Are you creating the kind of dynamic where both of you can be vulnerable? Where you support each other's growth? Where you can disagree respectfully and work through challenges together?
The Paradox of Letting Go
When you focus on becoming the partner you want to be rather than finding the "perfect" person, you tend to attract people who are doing the same work. You stop trying to convince someone to choose you and start choosing yourself—which is infinitely more attractive and leads to much healthier relationships.
The apps, the dates, the conversations—they all become opportunities to practice being the person you want to be rather than performances designed to get someone to like you.
When you show up honestly, vulnerably, and with clear intentions about what you want to create, you give others permission to do the same. And that's where real connection happens—not in the guarded seeking, but in the courageous becoming.
