Book Review: "It Takes One to Tango" by Winifred M. Reilly
Don’t feel like reading this review? Here’s the gist:
I rate this book 10/10.
If you're ready to stop waiting for your partner to change and start creating the relationship dynamic you want, this book is an excellent place to begin. It's the perfect companion to therapy—or a great first step if you're still deciding whether professional support might be helpful for your relationship. For more details, read on.
Photo by J. Shaw
If you've ever felt stuck in your relationship, wondering if change is possible when your partner seems unwilling or unable to meet you halfway, this book offers both hope and a practical roadmap forward. Winifred Reilly, a marriage and family therapist with decades of experience treating couples, presents a refreshing, honest and empowering approach: you can transform your relationship by focusing on what you can control: yourself.
What Makes This Book Special
Written from Reilly's personal experience of the ups and downs of her 40-year marriage, this book feels like wisdom shared by a trusted friend. Reilly skillfully weaves together theory, practical strategies, and real stories that will resonate with anyone who’s been married or in a long-term committed partnership.
The book's central premise is that by becoming a leader of positive change, it only takes one person to change the entire relationship dynamic.
What You'll Learn
Part One helps you identify what's really going wrong in your relationship and it's probably not what you think it is. Reilly explains why marriage feels so difficult (hint: we're playing a complex game without understanding the rules) and how to position yourself as the catalyst for change.
Part Two dives into the how-to of transformation: managing your own anxiety, dealing with differences, and recognizing your role in creating the dynamics that frustrate you. One section addresses how to "make peace with the little things that drive us nuts"—a skill that can dramatically improve daily life together.
Part Three focuses on sustained growth, both individually and as a couple. Reilly shares insights about what actually makes happy couples happy (it's not what most people think) and provides the encouragement you'll need for the journey ahead.
The Developmental Model Explained
One of this book's greatest strengths is how Reilly presents the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, which is one of the foundations of my couples therapy practice. In plain language, she explains that couples, like individuals, go through predictable stages of growth and challenges throughout their relationship.
One of the key concepts of the Developmental Model is differentiation, which has three parts:
knowing your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires
speaking them out loud to your partner
holding steady while your partner does the same, even if you don’t like what you’re hearing
It’s a concept that seems ridiculously simple at first, but is actually subtle, sophisticated, and is much more than behavioral change—it’s a relational stance that takes effort and attention. It requires development and expansion of your self-awareness, other-awareness, emotional capacity, and self-regulation skills. Differentiation isn’t a destination, but rather an ongoing, dynamic process.
If you’re curious and wanting to learn more, the appendix of It Takes One to Tango contains a highly relatable list of "Typical and Normal Ways People Avoid Differentiation.” You’ll find yourself on that list, I promise (I certainly did!). Differentiation is a developmental process we all need to learn and nurture and it’s an empowering foundation of the couples therapy I practice.
Who Should Read This Book
This book is invaluable for anyone in a committed relationship, although it has particular value for partners who have married or committed for at least a few years. It's likely you’ll be able to relate some of your own experiences to Reilly's stories and examples — I did and I found myself laughing, crying, and having "aha!" (and “oh shit”) moments throughout.
The book is also excellent for individuals whose partners aren't ready for couples therapy. If you've been the one pushing for professional help while your spouse resists, this book offers a way forward that doesn't require their participation (though they may become curious about therapy once they see positive changes in you).
If you’ve experienced a break up or divorce, this book can help you take a compassionate, honest look at your own contribution to the relationship and its demise. It will help you identify areas for personal growth that will help you not only in a future partnership, but in all your relationships.
Why I Recommend This Book
As a therapist, I see a lot of married couples and committed partnerships. We often start with the basics of the Developmental Model as a framework for how to understand what the partners are struggling with, and sometimes clients ask if there are materials they could read outside of session to learn more. This is the book I recommend. I also recommend it to individual clients working on their relationships.
The book normalizes so many common relationship struggles—you're not broken because you fight in unhealthy ways or because you and your partner are very different people. You're human, and you're learning.
Perhaps most importantly, this book offers realistic hope. Change is possible, but it requires courage, commitment, and the willingness to look honestly at yourself. Reilly provides both inspiration and tools for this transformative work.
Whether your partner joins you in therapy or not, you'll be investing in your own growth and well-being. The skills you develop through your own therapy and reading books like this will benefit not just your marriage, but all your relationships.
You can grab this book from my Bookshop.org shop if you'd like. Full transparency: I do earn a small commission, but honestly, whatever I make just goes toward feeding my book-buying habit!
