Navigating Pregnancy Loss as a Couple: When Grief Looks Different for Each Parent
Photo by Bobbie Harte Portrait
This is Part 2 of our series on disenfranchised grief and pregnancy loss. If you haven't read Part 1, "Disenfranchised Grief and Pregnancy Loss: Understanding Your Valid and Natural Response,” you may find it helpful to start there.
Pregnancy loss affects not just individuals, but couples—and each partner may experience and express their grief in profoundly different ways. These differences don't mean one person cared more or less, or that one person's grief is more valid than the other's. Understanding how grief can manifest differently for each parent, and learning to navigate these differences together, can be crucial for both individual healing and relationship strength during this difficult time.
Understanding Different Grief Experiences
The Carrying Parent's Experience: The person who was pregnant often has a uniquely embodied experience of loss. Their grief may be influenced by:
Physical symptoms and hormonal changes that can intensify emotional responses
A more immediate, visceral connection to the pregnancy through physical sensations
Potential feelings of body betrayal or self-blame
More visible signs of pregnancy that others may have noticed and commented on
Medical procedures and physical recovery that serve as ongoing reminders
Feeling like they "should" be the most affected since they carried the pregnancy
Physical experience of the loss that negatively impacts sexuality and sexual functioning
The Supporting Parent's Experience: The non-carrying parent's grief is equally valid but may manifest differently:
Grief that feels less "visible" or acknowledged by others
Struggle with feeling helpless or unable to protect their partner and baby
Pressure to be the "strong one" who supports their partner through the loss
Different attachment timeline—they may have felt less connected early in pregnancy
Grief that's complicated by watching their partner suffer physically and emotionally
Feeling like their own grief is secondary or less important
Important Note: These are general patterns, not universal experiences. Some carrying parents may feel less physically connected to early pregnancies, while some supporting parents may feel deeply bonded from the moment of conception. There's no "right" way for either parent to grieve.
Common Relationship Challenges After Loss
Different Grieving Timelines: One partner may feel ready to try again quickly, while the other needs more time to process. One may want to talk about the loss frequently, while the other prefers to process privately. These differences can create tension and misunderstanding if not openly discussed.
Communication Breakdowns: Grief can make communication difficult. Partners may:
Avoid discussing the loss to protect each other
Feel frustrated when their partner doesn't grieve the same way
Struggle to express their needs clearly
Feel emotionally unavailable to support their partner
Intimacy Challenges: Physical and emotional intimacy often becomes complicated after pregnancy loss:
Physical intimacy may feel difficult due to medical restrictions, fear, or emotional barriers
Emotional intimacy may suffer as partners withdraw to process their grief
Anxiety about future pregnancies can impact sexual intimacy
Guilt about experiencing pleasure or normalcy may interfere with connection
Different Coping Strategies: One partner might cope by staying busy and focusing on practical matters, while the other needs quiet time to process emotions. One might find comfort in talking to friends and family, while the other prefers privacy. These different approaches can feel rejecting or confusing if not understood as valid coping mechanisms.
How Others May Respond Differently to Each Parent
Society often treats grieving parents differently, which can add strain to your relationship:
Toward the Carrying Parent:
May receive more direct sympathy and support
Often gets more time off work or accommodations
May be asked more frequently "how are you doing?"
Sometimes receives unhelpful advice about their body or future pregnancies
Toward the Supporting Parent:
May be expected to "be strong" for their partner
Often gets less direct support or acknowledgment of their grief
May be asked "how is [partner] doing?" rather than about their own wellbeing
Sometimes receives pressure to "help [partner] move on"
These different social responses can create resentment, isolation, or additional stress in your relationship. Acknowledging these disparities can help you support each other better.
Strategies for Supporting Each Other
Create Space for Different Grief Expressions:
Recognize that different doesn't mean wrong
Avoid comparing your grief experiences or timelines
Don't take your partner's different coping style as a reflection of their love for you or the baby
Give yourself and your partner permission to grieve in your own way
Establish Communication Guidelines:
Schedule regular check-ins to discuss how you're both feeling
Consent to conversation: check for your partner’s readiness to talk
Use "I" statements: “I’m feeling sad today ” or "I need some quiet time"
Be honest about your capacity to support each other on difficult days
Create signals for when you need space or extra support
Honor Both Experiences:
Include both parents in any rituals or memorials
Acknowledge that both parents have lost a child, regardless of who was pregnant
Make space for both parents' grief in conversations with friends and family
Consider couples counseling with someone who understands pregnancy loss
Plan for Difficult Moments:
Discuss how you'll handle triggers like due dates or pregnancy announcements
Plan for holidays or special occasions that might be difficult
Have a strategy for handling well-meaning but hurtful comments from others
Create signals for when you need to leave social situations
Support Each Other's Individual Healing:
Encourage your partner to seek individual support if needed
Respect if your partner needs different types of support than you do
Take care of your own grief so you can be present for your partner
Remember that supporting each other doesn't mean you have to grieve identically
Making Decisions Together
About Trying Again: This is often one of the most challenging conversations couples face after loss. Consider:
Medical readiness vs. emotional readiness (these may not align)
That partners may feel ready at different times
The importance of both partners feeling heard and respected
That there's no "right" timeline
How anxiety about future pregnancies might affect your decision
About Sharing Your News: Couples often need to decide:
Whether and when to tell family and friends about the loss
How to handle questions about the pregnancy
Whether to share on social media
How to ask for support
About Medical Decisions: If there are medical procedures or follow-up care involved:
How much the supporting parent should be involved
Whether both parents want to attend medical appointments
How to handle potentially triggering medical environments together
When to Seek Professional Support
Individual Therapy might be helpful if:
You're struggling to cope with daily activities
You're having thoughts of self-harm
Your grief feels overwhelming or stuck
You're dealing with trauma from the loss experience
You need space to process your individual experience
Couples Therapy might be helpful if:
You're struggling to communicate about the loss
You're feeling disconnected from each other
You're making different decisions about trying again
You're dealing with intimacy challenges
You want guidance on supporting each other better
You're facing major disagreements about how to handle the loss
Look for therapists who specialize in pregnancy loss, reproductive trauma, grief or couples therapy. Many therapists offer both individual and couples sessions, which can be particularly helpful.
Creating New Traditions Together
Consider creating rituals or traditions that honor both parents' experiences:
Memorial Activities:
Plant a garden together where you can both tend to something growing
Create a photo album or memory book with contributions from both parents
Make a donation to a cause that's meaningful to both of you
Plan an annual remembrance activity you can do together
Healing Activities:
Take a trip to a meaningful place on significant dates
Create art, music, or writing projects together
Participate in support groups for couples
Establish new traditions that bring you closer together
Future-Focused Activities:
Discuss your hopes and dreams for your family
Plan ways to honor this loss in future pregnancies or parenting
Create goals for your relationship that aren't dependent on pregnancy
Focus on strengthening your partnership as a foundation for whatever comes next
Supporting Other Couples in Your Life
Your experience with pregnancy loss may help you better support other couples facing similar challenges:
What's Helpful:
Acknowledging both parents' grief explicitly
Offering specific, practical support
Checking in with each partner separately
Following their lead on whether they want to talk about it
Remembering significant dates like due dates or anniversaries
What's Less Helpful:
Assuming one parent is "handling it better"
Giving advice about their relationship or how they should grieve
Asking when they'll try again
Comparing their loss to others' experiences
Focusing all attention on just one parent
Moving Forward as a Team
Healing from pregnancy loss as a couple doesn't mean returning to exactly how things were before. Instead, it involves:
Growing Together:
Developing deeper empathy and understanding for each other's experiences
Learning new ways to communicate during difficult times
Building resilience as a couple that can help with future challenges
Creating meaning from your loss that strengthens your relationship
Honoring Your Different Journeys:
Accepting that you may always process this loss somewhat differently
Respecting each other's ongoing tender spots or triggers
Celebrating the ways you've each grown and healed
Maintaining individual identities while supporting each other
Building Your Future:
Making decisions about family planning that feel right for both of you
Creating a life that includes both joy and acknowledgment of your loss
Developing tools for handling future challenges together
Strengthening your relationship as a foundation for whatever comes next
Resources for Couples
Books:
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah Davis (includes chapters on partner relationships)
Men and Miscarriage: A Dad's Guide to Grief, Relationships, and Healing After Loss by Aaron and MJ Gouveia
When Pregnancy Fails: Families Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death by Susan Borg and Judith Lasker
Organizations with Couples Support:
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support (PAILS): Offers couples support groups
Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support: Resources specifically for partners
Resolve: National Infertility Association (also covers pregnancy loss)
Final Thoughts
Pregnancy loss affects your entire relationship, as well as each individual. While your grief experiences may look different, they're equally valid and important. Supporting each other through this loss can deepen your connection and strengthen your relationship, even as you navigate one of life's most difficult experiences.
Remember that seeking help—whether individual or couples therapy—is a sign of strength, not weakness. Your relationship deserves support during this difficult time, and there are professionals who understand the unique challenges couples face after pregnancy loss.
This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you're experiencing thoughts of self-harm or having difficulty coping, please reach out to a mental health professional or call a crisis helpline immediately.
References
Beutel, M., Willner, H., Deckardt, R., Von Rad, M., & Weiner, H. (1996). Similarities and differences in couples' grief reactions following a miscarriage: Results from a longitudinal study. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 40(3), 245-253.
Johnson, M. P., & Baker, S. R. (2004). Implications of coping repertoire as predictors of men's stress, anxiety and depression following pregnancy, childbirth and miscarriage: A longitudinal study. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology, 25(1), 87-98.
Puddifoot, J. E., & Johnson, M. P. (1997). The legitimacy of grieving: The partner's experience at miscarriage. Social Science & Medicine, 45(6), 837-845.
Swanson, K. M., Karmali, Z. A., Powell, S. H., & Pulvermakher, F. (2003). Miscarriage effects on couples' interpersonal and sexual relationships during the first year after loss. Journal of Midwifery & Women's Health, 48(6), 420-428.
