Disenfranchised Grief and Pregnancy Loss: Understanding Your Valid and Natural Response
Photo by kitzcorner
This is Part 1 of our series on disenfranchised grief and pregnancy loss. Part Two focuses on navigating pregnancy loss as a couple, and how the grief experience can be different for each parent.
The loss of a pregnancy—whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or other circumstances—brings profound grief that can feel overwhelming and isolating. If you're experiencing intense emotions after pregnancy loss, you're not alone, and what you're feeling is both valid and normal. Understanding the concept of disenfranchised grief can help explain why this loss may feel particularly challenging to navigate in our society.
What is Disenfranchised Grief?
Disenfranchised grief, a term coined by grief researcher Kenneth Doka, refers to grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly supported. This type of grief occurs when society doesn't recognize the legitimacy of a loss, the griever's right to grieve, or the relationship that existed (Doka, 2002).
Pregnancy loss often falls into this category because:
The pregnancy may not have been publicly announced
Others may minimize the loss with comments like "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "it wasn't meant to be"
There may be few or no rituals to mark the loss
The grief may be expected to be brief or private
The Unique Aspects of Pregnancy Loss Grief
Pregnancy loss grief carries distinctive characteristics that can make it particularly complex:
The Loss of Future Dreams: When you become pregnant, you begin forming attachments not just to the developing baby, but to the future you envision—the family dynamics, milestones, and dreams that loss has taken away. This represents multiple losses within one event.
Physical and Emotional Intersection: Your body was preparing for birth and motherhood/parenthood. The hormonal changes, physical symptoms, and bodily experience of loss can last a month or more, which can intensify emotional grief and serve as constant reminders.
Ambiguous Loss: Depending on when the loss occurred, you may have limited concrete memories or mementos, which can make the grief feel less "real" to others, though it's entirely real to you.
Identity Questions: You may struggle with questions about your identity as a parent, especially if this was your first pregnancy or if you have no living children.
Your Grief is Valid, Normal, and Healthy
It's crucial to understand that whatever you're feeling is valid. Grief after pregnancy loss is not pathological—it's a natural response to a significant loss. Your grief may include:
Intense sadness and crying
Anger at your body, medical providers, or the unfairness of the situation
Guilt or self-blame
Anxiety about future pregnancies
Feeling disconnected from others who haven't experienced this loss
Physical symptoms like fatigue, difficulty sleeping, or changes in appetite
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
There's no "right" way to grieve, and there's no timeline you need to follow. Some people feel intense grief immediately, while others may experience delayed reactions. Some find their grief comes in waves, while others experience it more consistently.
Challenges with Others' Responses
Unfortunately, many people who experience pregnancy loss encounter unhelpful responses from others. You might hear:
"Everything happens for a reason"
"At least you weren't further along"
"You can try again"
"You should be grateful for what you have"
"It's time to move on"
These comments can feel dismissive and hurtful. They reflect society's discomfort with grief and pregnancy loss rather than the reality of your experience. You don't need to educate others or manage their discomfort—your energy is better spent on your own healing.
Navigating Triggers and Difficult Moments
Triggers are normal parts of grief that can catch you off guard. Common triggers after pregnancy loss include:
Pregnancy announcements or baby-related social media posts
Due dates or anniversary dates
Baby showers or children's events
Medical appointments
Seeing pregnant women or new babies
Certain scents, sounds, or places associated with your pregnancy
Coping strategies for triggers:
Give yourself permission to avoid or limit certain situations when possible
Develop a plan for unavoidable triggers (having support people, exit strategies, or comfort items)
Practice self-compassion when triggers affect you
Consider limiting social media or using filtering tools
Deciding When to Try Again
One of the most personal and complex decisions after pregnancy loss is whether and when to try to conceive again. There's no universal right answer, and the decision involves many factors:
Medical considerations: Your healthcare provider can advise on physical readiness, which varies depending on the type of loss and your individual circumstances.
Emotional readiness: This is deeply personal and may not align with physical readiness. Some people feel ready to try again quickly, while others need more time to process their grief.
Relationship dynamics: Partners may have different timelines or feelings about trying again, requiring open communication and sometimes professional support.
Fear and anxiety: It's normal to feel anxious about future pregnancies after loss. These feelings don't mean you're not ready—they're natural responses that can be addressed with support.
Remember that trying again doesn't mean you're "over" your loss or that a new pregnancy will "replace" what you lost. Each pregnancy and each potential child is unique.
Honoring Your Loss Through Rituals
Rituals can provide meaningful ways to acknowledge your loss and begin healing. Because pregnancy loss is often disenfranchised, you may need to create your own rituals. Some possibilities include:
Memory creation:
Writing a letter to your baby
Creating a memory box with ultrasound photos, hospital bracelets, or other mementos
Planting a tree or garden in memory
Making a donation to a cause that feels meaningful
Marking significant dates:
Acknowledging your due date or the anniversary of your loss
Creating a new tradition for these dates
Taking time off work or arranging for extra support
Physical rituals:
Having a small ceremony or gathering with close friends or family
Creating art, music, or writing about your experience
Participating in memorial walks or support groups
Getting a meaningful tattoo or piece of jewelry
Spiritual or religious practices:
Participating in religious ceremonies if they align with your beliefs
Meditation or prayer practices
Connecting with nature or meaningful spaces
The most important aspect of any ritual is that it feels authentic and meaningful to you. There's no right or wrong way to honor your loss.
The Individual Nature of Grief
While this article provides general guidance, it's essential to remember that grief is deeply individual. Your experience may not match others' experiences, and that's completely normal. Factors that influence your grief experience include:
Your relationship with the pregnancy and future plans
Previous losses or trauma
Your support system and cultural background
Coping strategies that have worked for you before
Co-occurring stressors in your life
Trust your instincts about what feels helpful and what doesn't. You're the expert on your own experience.
When to Seek Professional Support
While grief is a natural response to loss, professional support can be incredibly helpful. Consider reaching out to a therapist if:
Your grief feels overwhelming or interferes with daily functioning
You're having thoughts of self-harm
You're struggling with relationship issues related to the loss
You want support in processing your experience
You're feeling stuck or unable to move forward
You're dealing with anxiety about future pregnancies
Many therapists offer specialized support for pregnancy loss and understand the unique aspects of this type of grief. You don't have to navigate this alone.
Moving Forward While Honoring Your Loss
Healing from pregnancy loss doesn't mean forgetting or "getting over" your loss. Instead, it involves learning to carry your grief while also engaging with life. This might look like:
Finding ways to honor your baby's memory while also investing in your present relationships
Developing new meaning and purpose that incorporates your loss experience
Building resilience while acknowledging ongoing tender spots
Creating a life that includes both joy and the reality of your loss
Healing is not linear, and it's normal to have setbacks or difficult days even as you're moving forward.
Resources for Further Support
Books:
"Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah Davis
"Pregnancy After Loss" by Carol Cirulli Lanham
"Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart" by Marie Allen and Shelly Marks
Organizations:
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support (PAILS): pailsnetwork.org
March of Dimes: marchofdimes.org
Star Legacy Foundation: starlegacyfoundation.org
Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support: nationalshare.org
Online Support:
BabyCenter Loss and Grief Support Community
Glow Community pregnancy loss support groups
Reddit communities like r/ttcafterloss and r/babyloss
Final Thoughts
Your grief after pregnancy loss is valid, important, and deserving of support. While society may not always recognize or honor this type of loss, your experience matters. Take the time you need, seek the support that feels right for you, and remember that healing is possible while still honoring what you've lost.
This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you're experiencing thoughts of self-harm or having difficulty coping, please reach out to a mental health professional or call a crisis helpline immediately.
References
Doka, K. J. (2002). Disenfranchised grief: New directions, challenges, and strategies for practice. Research Press.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th ed.). Springer Publishing Company.
Cacciatore, J. (2013). Psychological effects of stillbirth. Seminars in Fetal and Neonatal Medicine, 18(2), 76-82.
Hutti, M. H., Armstrong, D. S., & Myers, J. (2011). Healthcare provider compassion and perinatal death. MCN: The American Journal of Maternal/Child Nursing, 36(6), 375-380.
